To understand how to help self-esteem, let us clarify what exactly we mean by self-esteem. When we do that, we then can see what some of the factors are that negatively affect it. After that we will be able to look at how to help our self-esteem that has been damaged by misunderstood events that have injured it. Sound complicated? Not really. Self-esteem, whether good and healthy, or bad and damaged is simply how we see ourselves in our interaction with the world environment in which we live. Self-esteem is our view through this window of seeing ourselves as either a significant player in our world, down to being an invisible and insignificant shadow that is just taking up valuable empty space that is in fact more valuable than we are.
Somewhere on that vast spectrum of perspective is the view of how you see yourself in the overall scheme of things in life, and eternity. Self-esteem is the same as self-image as regards our value to life, Humankind, and eternity. Your view of your relationship with life, dictates how much life will influence you, and conversely, how much you give yourself permission to influence life, Humankind, and eternity by your input into it. Put simply, your self-esteem is the highway between you and life. If your highway is damaged by misunderstood events in your past, then the flow on that highway will be greatly restricted, and in the worst case, will be cut off completely. We call that low self-esteem.
Self-esteem can be damaged in another direction as well, by what we call elitist tendencies. What is sometimes incorrectly interpreted as very high self-esteem is the incorrect view of a person in which they have no regard for others, their rights, views, or role in life. This view has the characteristics of indifference to others, completely without passion, in which they see others as a bother and not worth their time. For our purposes here we define high self-esteem as the perspective one has of making the most interaction between themselves and others, Humankind, and eternity. Any deviation from that optimum self-perspective such as being less important, or more important than others, is low self-esteem because their self-view is incorrect and life damaging. If those with low self-esteem see themselves as less than important, they will have no sense of boundaries and relationships will be difficult with them.
If they see themselves as more important than others then relationships with them will be equally difficult because their tendencies will be towards arrogance, control, and boundary violation. Those are narcissistic in nature. Both ends of the bad self-esteem spectrum will involve characteristics of poisoning and to be non-nurturing. Low self-esteem people will be controlling because they use their helplessness to extort resources and nurturing from caregivers, but it will never be appreciated. High self is in the middle because it best defines who the person is, and what their role is in life. When we interact with such a person, we feel comfortable because they know who they are. In friendships and casual relationships, personal boundaries with them do not ever feel tested. High self-esteem people are nurturers and express who they are and recognize and bring out the best in us as well.
Regarding how to help self-esteem, there are two obstacles, and they must be attacked in an order because there is a hierarchy to their construction. Regarding anything of our self-definition, it will always be backed with moral justification we attach behind it. Such as if we are taught by parenting or circumstances that we are less than nothing and we are dirt, we will automatically attach weight to it that it is right and correct and it is universally true and unchangeable. If we are taught that we are better than others and they are below us, then we will again attach universal unchangeable truth status to that information. That is why we cannot just go up to a person with low self-esteem and tell them they are important to God, life and their contribution to Humankind is deeply needed and welcomed. They will never hear a word you have said. You can talk until you are blue in the face and all you will have done is to waste your time trying. Alternatively, you can tell an elitist, boundary violating, know it all controlling narcissist they are no more important than anyone else regardless of stature and there will be no response from them either.
For the over emphasized self-esteem person, the narcissistic elitist, they are probably not worth your time to help their self-esteem to correct it. Leave them alone, get a divorce, or cut them out of your will and get away from their poisoning influence in your life. The remedy for such people is for you to accurately define who they are, if you are their victim, reassure yourself of your accurate assessment of them as a poisoner, and part ways with them emotionally and spiritually. The more you try to change that type of dysfunction in an individual, the more they will resist and try to change you. They interpret your attention to them as weakness that you need them and that will encourage them to stay the same. That is just the opposite of your intentions! Dump them.
Let us move on to the low self-value self-esteem people we want to help. The way to help them is to first attack the moral and spiritual reinforcement that they see is right for feeling bad about themselves. Get them to question their accuracy about why they feel bad about themselves. In other words, what people, settings and events told them about themselves being of diminished value might not be accurate at all. Do not worry about questioning the low value they place upon themselves just yet. Question the validity of the events that brought them to that conclusion in the first place. Parental neglect and absence, or bad social experiences are big contributors to the bad self-image picture. If we can get them to see those events, setting, and conditions in a questionable light, then secondly, we can get them to be open about a new self-definition about themselves. If we get them to see their past in a different light, then we can get them to be open about seeing themselves and their role in life in a different way for their future. This is repeated for emphasis.
If we can get someone to be open to and question the fact that they are a failure as a person simply based upon their life’s bad experiences, then step one is reached. This is an important milestone because they are now questioning the prominence of their life’s events over their own prominence as the person in it. Now they are ready for the next revelation, which is to suggest they are more than an audience in their life happening around them in randomness. They are the main star in their life, tailor made with a purpose for them with their good destiny as the reason for it all, intended by God. This suggestion moves them from the helpless back of the bus to the front, where they can see things, and make choices in their best interest. There is more!
What we are now doing is changing their perspective from absolute, from how life is seeing them, which then was all important, to now more emphasis on seeing how they are seeing life. The next step after that is their natural inner prompting to do something about it. Seeing things through their own eyes has to come first. The events they have experienced in their lives have not changed, but the way they are now seeing those events has changed, and that is the turning point in helping their self-esteem. First it was a non-person seeing things, now it is a person seeing things, big difference. If they recognize their significance as a person seeing their life, then they will recognize their right to question what they are seeing and do something about it.
This opens up the way to recognize boundaries and a whole bunch of spiritual building concepts they will naturally grow into in the years ahead. They are now taking control of the first and most important of seven spiritual activities, all completely actualized people do to make us fully who we are spiritually. Those seven activities are: Seeing things through our own eyes, feeling our own feelings, thinking our own thoughts, making our own choices. Beyond that the last three are the internal activities of: Imaging our own dreams, building our own dreams, and lastly joyously sharing our built dreams with all of Humankind.
Just for the record, this is an emotional and spiritual encouragement ministry. We are selling nothing here and are not at the present time even set up to take donations, and probably never will. Your healed life are our reward enough, and we are very pleased with that. If you want to, please share your strength with others in your future so our nurturing can live on.